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Respectful Relationships
By Susannne Slay-Westbrook Published: 05/18/2009
We hear the word respect tossed around a lot. Respect your elders; respect your parents; respect authority. Aretha Franklin sang about it; Rodney Dangerfield didn't get enough of it. The truth is, most of us feel like we don't. It is my opinion that it is this sense of respect-deprivation, based on our experiences as children, adolescents, women, spouses, parents, employees, business owners, colleagues, etc. that supports the downward spiral of feeling more hurt, resentment, anger, animosity, and rudeness that further propels and validates the overall sense of disrespect. In order to reverse this pattern, need to focus our attention on understanding and practicing the art of respect.
So what is respect anyway? It is a way of thinking, perceiving, and understanding life. It makes us aware of differences between us and accepting those differences as best we can. It is about knowing and respecting our own differences well enough to have no need to trample on and destroy the needs of others. The Latin root of the word respect is to "re-spectare" or to "look again." To take another look, to reconsider, is to respect. In other words, to respect something or someone requires some response, some action, which can be as small as opening a door for someone, waiting in line patiently, or not cutting someone off in traffic. It can be as big as being tolerant and understanding of racial, sexual or international differences. By nature, respect serves as the grease, the lubricant, to make every human interaction work properly.
Some examples of positive, respectful actions or behaviors which enhance relationships are: listening and being attentive, showing appreciation for kindnesses, being kind and thoughtful, like doing small things for each other without looking for thanks, honoring one another's thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, even when you disagree and not getting into power plays.
Conversely, disrespect, power and control can only occur when boundaries have broken down. Boundaries are the lines one draws or safety zones one must set up to prevent harm. We cannot always stop all hurt, or should we, for we need some experience to learn from, but not having any boundaries is like being the human target at a shooting range. There is no defense from those disrespectful bullets that keep coming at us. Disrespectful actions or behaviors are often destructive to relationships, such as: naming calling, yelling, cursing, interrupting, ignoring, being sarcastic, blaming, shaming, attacking verbally or physically.
Spend a few minutes with your partner discussing which respectful behaviors you most appreciate from others and yourself and which disrespectful behaviors are most troublesome to you. Write down three action goals for you to follow up on at home.
I have been a psychotherapist for the last 25 years. I earned my bachelor's degree in Psychology from Seton Hill College and my Master's degree in Mental Health Counseling from Wright University. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist and am a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.
In 2001 I wrote a book, A World of Respect: A Guide to Making It Happen. I have since then developed several workbooks and related workshops based on my book, including Respect in the Workplace and Respect in the Classroom, practice and teach what I call "Respect-based Therapy." I am launching a new book project on Making Better Choices.
Respect and choice are central to my philosophy and therapeutic approach. I believe that they are critical components which makes all individuals and relationships healthier and happier.
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